Guilt feelings over me

Since I quit my last job, I had so much control over my time. It was April this year when I decided to change career. I was even thrilled to learn other stuff or other skill. I gave myself a month off from any pressure and went to Iligan City with my husband and my parents. We were really happy then. My dad arrived from abroad so we threw a party for him. I stayed there for 3 weeks to have a relieving vacation.

A month after, my mom was diagnosed with Breast Cancer Stage II. The stage of her cancer was "assumed" by her doctor according to the mass size. But as tests were given to her, it was later found out that she also had a 6.3 cm mass on her liver. Hopes were starting to slim down but we were comforted by her oncologist that she might survive on this battle. The doctor mentioned to us that she even had worst cases of patients who were still alive in years. And so we gave it a shot to control or even reduce the mass size through Chemotherapy.

Momi had 2 sessions of chemotherapy. On her 2nd infusion of Chemo drugs, she bid farewell after 3 days.

Her oncologist was kind and helpful. But after what had happened, unfortunately, I didn't find her competent enough. At first, I believed her... 100% relied to her as she was an expert in dealing Cancer. But my frustration on her started when she failed to mention Momi's Liver status. I think the doctor should know when to give up and tell the true condition of her patient. If the doctor's concern is about the patient who might lose hope, letting a family member know about the patient's health is already a huge help. I remember asking the oncologist once about the survival rate of Momi's case. She didn't give me a direct answer... but a vague spirit lifter of not losing hope too early. It was a week before Momi's last day that we realized her real cancer stage by reading the Hospital's Discharge Summary. It was Breast Cancer Stage IV with Liver Metastasis.

Sometimes I ended up blaming myself for not understanding Momi more... in times when she complained about her aching tummy or mouth. I'm guilty of not giving her a soft side of my heart. I was too preoccupied of listening to the doctor's instructions bullet per bullet. I was too busy remembering all of her medicines and its right time for intake. I'm not a medical person which makes it more difficult for me. I was too focused on which food Momi should have.... not even thinking that Momi hardly had the desire to eat. If only I had someone to share the same sentiments before, I might then be more lenient and relaxed. But again, I was there alone with a househelp.

I left my husband in Manila to prioritize Momi. I know my parents needed me more. I'm so blessed to have an understanding husband who cares for the well being of my entire family.

Missing my Mom

Four months have passed since my Momi's passing. Painful memories are still fresh that I can't help thinking about it. Many people comforted me with their words... but still I feel lost.

My mom died in Breast Cancer with Liver Metastasis and Liver Cirrhosis. Her case was a complicated one but we lingered in high hopes of Momi's full recovery. It was Momi's request to the Lord to have an easy death. She never wished to live longer if she's weak, sickly or suffering. Momi's pain tolerance was really low but she tried to fight back against Cancer. She tried her best to take the pain in all of the piercings she needed to undergo. Momi was also diagnosed with Diabetic Mellitus II for more than 25 years and was under maintenance of Insulin.

I miss my mom bigtime. She died June 22, 2008 --- Sunday night when I was the only one taking care of her. It was a blessing in disguise when her bestfriend and her nurse came by around 5:45 pm, or I might have been doomed in so much grief. I never occurred in my mind that it would be her last day. I injected her insulin around 7am as i nstructed by her doctor. Momi was starting to get weak at that time because she was complaining about her painful hemorrhoid. She asked one of our househleps to buy a medicine for anti-hemorrhoid. She had a light breakfast and a pineapple slice. She didn't even finish her food since her tummy felt so full. Momi's tummy got bigger everyday because of the stored water.

Taking care of Momi with her condition was really difficult. I got panic and afraid sometimes but I had to hide it to myself. I had to go out of the room and cry to my heart's content. My mom must not see me crying or afraid. I wanted to remain calm and hopeful in her eyes even if I was trembling inside. I love my mom so much and I wanted to keep her alive. I miss the times when Momi and I profoundly talked about so many things. She's my confidant, my best friend, and sometimes my argumentative opponent. I miss everything about Momi.

I love her so much...